Easy A

Here's the timeline of me watching this movie:

• 10 minutes in I wonder why I'm watching this
  
• 15 minutes in I grabbed my cell phone and started playing Solitaire
• 30 minutes in I got bored of Solitaire and opened my netbook to check Emails/Gather/etc.
• 60 minutes in I got up to use the bathroom, tidy up some stuff while the movie was still running

A couple of "friends" recommended this movie, but it didn't do anything for me.  It was predictable pretty much from start to finish, so that when I got up to use the bathroom and stuff I didn't care because I knew by then what was going to happen, although the zany scheme at the end to save the day wasn't even that zany.

The been there, done that story involves Olive (Emma Stone) who is ignored at school because...um, she dyes her hair red and gets good grades?  That's about all I could think of.  She doesn't even have glasses like most Hollywood movies about high school outcasts!

Anyway, she tells her friend for no real reason that she had sex with some guy named George (one thing that struck me is where the friend says there's no one sexy named George; I guess she's too young to remember former Sexiest Man Alive George Clooney) and then gets a bad reputation.  Some gay kid then goes to Olive and bribes her to stage some fake sex so people will think he's straight.  Word gets around and soon Olive is the school slut--except she never sleeps with anyone.

You could probably figure out the rest of the plot.  [Mild spoilers!]




There's your Mild Spoiler space.  At first she thinks it's cool but then realizes it sucks.  There is of course some hot sensitive guy she likes who she finally gets at the end after confessing everything on YouTube.  (Why anyone would believe her when she's obviously a liar is beyond me.)



More Mild Spoiler space.  The movie wants to be "Juno" mixed with John Hughes, but it's just another dull, cookie cutter Hollywood teen movie.  Emma Stone makes a good sassy heroine, but the story lets her down by being way too predictable.


Anyway, save yourself some time and just watch "Juno" instead or even better, get MTV's "Daria" series from the late '90s on DVD.  Or you could rent some John Hughes and watch the master at work. 

That is all.

My score:  25/100 (1 star)
Metacritic score:  72/100 (3 stars)

Bad Movie Reviews

Since I unplugged the cable about six months ago, I've been watching a local digital channel called "THIS" that seems to broadcast a lot of old (and mostly unmemorable) MGM/UA and affiliated movies.  They save the best (by which I mean the worst) for Saturday nights.  As a fan of the old "Mystery Science Theater 3000" show I've always enjoyed watching really terrible movies.  So here are a few of the best of the worst:

ROTOR:  This was apparently trying to cash in on the cyborg movie trend in the late '80s with "Terminator," "Robocop," and so forth.  In it a cop/scientist/rancher (seriously) in Texas creates a cyborg called ROTOR (don't ask me what it means) to fight crime in a future time.  The problem is the thing is rushed online and not all the bugs are worked out.  After pulling over a speeder, ROTOR shoots the man and then begins pursuit of the female passenger.

WTF Moment:  The hero calls a skunk-haired Amazon to help battle ROTOR and proceeds to take her to a hotel, where she promptly whips off her blouse to reveal a black tank top ala Rambo and they just as promptly leave the hotel, never to return.

Robot Jox:  This was also trying to cash in on the robot fad.  In this Cold War parable (or perhaps parody) the two remaining big nations fight not in long, costly wars but gladiator competitions featuring giant robots.  On the American side is Achilles (aka Jim) and on the Russian side is Alexander.  They do battle in their big robots for the fate of Alaska.  (Really this is overdue for a Hollywood makeover with CGI and 3D.  James Cameron could make a billion with it!)

WTF Moment:  The biggest WTF is that the movie was penned by Joe Haldemann, winner of the prestigious Nebula and Hugo awards for classic sci-fi novels like "The Forever War."  Maybe he should stick tobooks.

Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs:  This secret agent spoof makes "Austin Powers" seem like "Citizen Kane."  It stars Vincent Price as the titular character (who if he has a gold foot I don't remember seeing it) who as you'd guess is making bombs shaped like women to kill NATO generals in the '60s.  The only man who can stop him is pop singer Fabian as the womanizing secret agent.  Which he might do if he stops kissing random women long enough.

WTF Moment:  There are many to choose from here.  The pair of bumbling doormen who accidentally become secret agents are a WTF unto themselves.  The biggest WTF might be when they confuse Fabian for a Chinese agent.

Some Girls Do:  Another secret agent spoof from around the same time, only this one plays it much straighter.  A British secret agent who looks disturbingly like Bond-era Sean Connery uncovers a madman's plot to use female robots to assassinate world leaders.

WTF Moment:  I suppose it would be at the end where the trusty sidekick goes running off with a double-agent.  Who needs patriotism when you can screw a hot turncoat?

Killer Klowns From Outer Space:  It is exactly what the title promises.  Clowns from outer space land on Earth to begin ensnaring the people of a small town in cotton candy cocoons.  And you thought clowns were scary when you were kid!

WTF Moment:  The actor who played the crusty old dean in "Animal House" plays a crusty old cop in this movie.  I bet every day he came to the set thinking, WTF?  How did I end up here?

Morons From Outer Space:  Again, exactly what the title promises.  It could also have been called "Rednecks From Outer Space" but that probably wasn't politically correct enough.  Basically white trash aliens crash on Earth and become superstars.  (Really, a remake with the Blue Collar Comedy Tour might be in order.)

WTF Moment:  I'll admit I fell asleep halfway through this.  When I woke up the last fifteen minutes or so were a total WTF for me.

Blacula:  For reasons that are best not contemplated, an African prince and his wife show up at Dracula's house in the 18th Century or so.  The prince becomes a vampire while his wife dies.  He's locked in a coffin until freed in 1970s Los Angeles where he proceeds to dine on the local African-American population all while stalking a young woman who looks suspiciously like his former bride.

WTF Moment:  Why are two homosexual men from California buying Dracula's house and moving everything in it to Los Angeles?  Does that even remotely make sense?

That is all.

Jennifer's Body

The worst thing a horror movie can be is boring.  If you can even call "Jennifer's Body" a horror movie it's boring with a capital B.  When there's as much bloodshed in the end credits as in the rest of the movie, you know you're in trouble. Though sadly even this bloodshed is portrayed in still images that don't show much so you're not getting much bang for the buck.

Like a combination of "Carrie" and "Scream" the movie is about a high school girl named Jennifer (obviously) who eats boys.  This happens because an indie-rock band tries to sacrifice her to Satan to help their career.  (Who knew the world of indie rock was so cutthroat?) This gives Jennifer awesome super powers, so long as she eats boys.  Like her period, this needs to happen about once a month.

Her best friend Needy (who like in all high school-related movies is completely unattractive because she wears glasses) was at the bar when Jennifer ran into the band and suspects something is up.  She especially gets suspicious when boys start dying.  Blah, blah, blah whatever.

As I said, this movie was boring.  I don't know why it got an R rating.  There's a little gore and some bad language (and a girl-on-girl kiss) but not anything too much.  Sadly anyone hoping to see Jennifer's body in "Jennifer's Body" will come away disappointed.  The nudity is pretty PG-13 for whatever reason.

I suppose this isn't all that surprising because writer/producer Diablo Cody (of "Juno" fame) and director Karyn Kusama don't exactly have the reputation of George Romero or Wes Craven.  They should probably just leave the horror movie business to professionals.

That is all.

My score:  25/100 (1 star)

Metacritic score:  47/100 (2 stars)

Night Visitor

You know what happens when you can't sleep?  You end up watching a crappy late-night movie like 1989's "Night Visitor."  Or an infomercial with Tom Bosley.  Actually the latter might be better.

The movie starts off with a premise similar to Hitchcock's "Rear Window" or the later "Disturbia."  Young Billy is using a telescope to spy on his sexy new neighbor Lisa.  It seems that Lisa has a new beau over every night.  But when Billy tells his friends and invites them over for some group peeping, Lisa chooses that night to go to bed alone.

Desperate to get some proof, Billy climbs up to Lisa's window the next night only to witness Lisa's murder.  He's nearly killed by a dude in a black robe and goat mask.  In the struggle, Billy pulls off the mask to reveal the face of his weird history teacher Mr. Willard.  In an ironic twist just that day or so Mr. Willard had Billy suspended from school for attaching a whoopee cushion and stink bombs to his chair, which was actually committed by Billy's friend Sam Loomis--not the Sam Loomis from the "Halloween" movies though.

Anyway, the police don't believe Billy because he has no proof and a reputation for telling fibs.  So in desperation, Billy goes to see Mr. Devereaux (Elliott Gould) a retired police detective for help.

Then the movie just goes off the rails with Satanism, goofy sidekicks, and some Buffalo Bill-type stuff going on in the basement, though the movie predates the film version of "Silence of the Lambs."

Anyway, the most serious problem other than terrible acting from generally a bunch of no-names, is the movie never strikes a consistent tone.  It's one of those films that can't decide if it wants to be funny or serious and so winds up trying to do both and failing miserably.  Characters like Billy's mom, Sam Loomis, and the police detectives are brought in but never effectively used.  This is especially true for the cops, who didn't seem to have any involvement in the endgame after a nonsensical meeting with some kind of shrink about Satanism.

This is purely late-night B-movie fare and on that purely cheesy level it's fine.  But after the first half hour or so you might want to flip over to that Tom Bosley infomercial.

That is all.

My score:  25/100 (1 star)