Like my book reviews site, these are movie reviews I write for entertainment purposes only. These are just my reviews and my opinions. They are not endorsed by Blogger or any movie studios or anyone else. So there. I borrowed my scoring system from the Metacritic site, which does not imply an endorsement from them, although I think they do have a very nice website. I convert the 1-100 scores into 1-4 stars, essentially it works like this:

1 star = 25 points
2 stars = 50 points
3 stars = 75 points
4 stars = 100 points

And then if something falls about halfway between, then I'll give it an added half-star.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bad Movie Reviews

Since I unplugged the cable about six months ago, I've been watching a local digital channel called "THIS" that seems to broadcast a lot of old (and mostly unmemorable) MGM/UA and affiliated movies.  They save the best (by which I mean the worst) for Saturday nights.  As a fan of the old "Mystery Science Theater 3000" show I've always enjoyed watching really terrible movies.  So here are a few of the best of the worst:

ROTOR:  This was apparently trying to cash in on the cyborg movie trend in the late '80s with "Terminator," "Robocop," and so forth.  In it a cop/scientist/rancher (seriously) in Texas creates a cyborg called ROTOR (don't ask me what it means) to fight crime in a future time.  The problem is the thing is rushed online and not all the bugs are worked out.  After pulling over a speeder, ROTOR shoots the man and then begins pursuit of the female passenger.

WTF Moment:  The hero calls a skunk-haired Amazon to help battle ROTOR and proceeds to take her to a hotel, where she promptly whips off her blouse to reveal a black tank top ala Rambo and they just as promptly leave the hotel, never to return.

Robot Jox:  This was also trying to cash in on the robot fad.  In this Cold War parable (or perhaps parody) the two remaining big nations fight not in long, costly wars but gladiator competitions featuring giant robots.  On the American side is Achilles (aka Jim) and on the Russian side is Alexander.  They do battle in their big robots for the fate of Alaska.  (Really this is overdue for a Hollywood makeover with CGI and 3D.  James Cameron could make a billion with it!)

WTF Moment:  The biggest WTF is that the movie was penned by Joe Haldemann, winner of the prestigious Nebula and Hugo awards for classic sci-fi novels like "The Forever War."  Maybe he should stick tobooks.

Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs:  This secret agent spoof makes "Austin Powers" seem like "Citizen Kane."  It stars Vincent Price as the titular character (who if he has a gold foot I don't remember seeing it) who as you'd guess is making bombs shaped like women to kill NATO generals in the '60s.  The only man who can stop him is pop singer Fabian as the womanizing secret agent.  Which he might do if he stops kissing random women long enough.

WTF Moment:  There are many to choose from here.  The pair of bumbling doormen who accidentally become secret agents are a WTF unto themselves.  The biggest WTF might be when they confuse Fabian for a Chinese agent.

Some Girls Do:  Another secret agent spoof from around the same time, only this one plays it much straighter.  A British secret agent who looks disturbingly like Bond-era Sean Connery uncovers a madman's plot to use female robots to assassinate world leaders.

WTF Moment:  I suppose it would be at the end where the trusty sidekick goes running off with a double-agent.  Who needs patriotism when you can screw a hot turncoat?

Killer Klowns From Outer Space:  It is exactly what the title promises.  Clowns from outer space land on Earth to begin ensnaring the people of a small town in cotton candy cocoons.  And you thought clowns were scary when you were kid!

WTF Moment:  The actor who played the crusty old dean in "Animal House" plays a crusty old cop in this movie.  I bet every day he came to the set thinking, WTF?  How did I end up here?

Morons From Outer Space:  Again, exactly what the title promises.  It could also have been called "Rednecks From Outer Space" but that probably wasn't politically correct enough.  Basically white trash aliens crash on Earth and become superstars.  (Really, a remake with the Blue Collar Comedy Tour might be in order.)

WTF Moment:  I'll admit I fell asleep halfway through this.  When I woke up the last fifteen minutes or so were a total WTF for me.

Blacula:  For reasons that are best not contemplated, an African prince and his wife show up at Dracula's house in the 18th Century or so.  The prince becomes a vampire while his wife dies.  He's locked in a coffin until freed in 1970s Los Angeles where he proceeds to dine on the local African-American population all while stalking a young woman who looks suspiciously like his former bride.

WTF Moment:  Why are two homosexual men from California buying Dracula's house and moving everything in it to Los Angeles?  Does that even remotely make sense?

That is all.

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